My Grief
Last year, my beloved Forbes passed away suddenly. I was so devastated and distraught that I could not write. I tried to keep busy. I walked daily. I talked to him. I wondered if he suffered. I didn't know. Could he forgive me if he did? For over a month, I would think I heard him and turn to look to see what he was doing, only to remember that he is no longer here in the physical world. I had hoped picking up his cremated remains would help my grief. It did not. I cried for hours and poured through pictures of him since his puppy days. We had many adventures and travels together. I was hoping for many more even though I knew he was aging. Now I imagined him sitting along side my Mother who had passed away two years before, letting her repeatedly pet him. She adored him and he was careful around her as she grew frail. I thought about how much he loved holidays. He was allowed turkey and gravy on Thanksgiving and he could smell the bird roasting and would carefully follow me around the kitchen. His brown eyes showing excitement over the forthcoming meal. That was all gone now. No Forbes to help with Thanksgiving grace. There would be no doggy Christmas toys to wrap, no puppy treats to drop into his specially made stocking. I worked more, wrote less and tried to imagine my life with another animal. I went to parks to watch people and their dogs. It was beautiful to see the love and devotion some of the animals had for their humans. I like to see them run free, play ball or frisbee. It was bittersweet though. A new dog would provide a distraction and I knew I would give him or her a wonderful home. But that didn't seem like a good enough reason to adopt another animal. I was very lonely but I knew I wasn't ready. Someday....
I was beginning to function better but I occasionally still became choked up mentioning him. Still I was unable to blog. What's the point? I had a hole in my heart and words would not come. This was a blog about dogs and It only reminded me of that hole in my heart. I couldn't stand hearing, "it's just a dog." or "why don't you get another dog?" One day someone mentioned a grief book called The Grief Recovery handbook for pet loss by Russell Friedman, Cole James, and John W. James. It has really helped. It identifies myths regarding grief and loss that help to prolong grief. The book provides a methodical approach and exercises to assist the recovery process. Processing feelings is not what we're trained to do and this book is meant to show you 'how' to process rather than hold on to the pain.
So I have gotten help now for setting goals and focusing on blogging again and I have been researching diets and natural remedies for dogs. Watch for those posts. Also, I've been in touch with breeders who have adult dogs that need homes. I am looking forward to adopting a dog soon. So maybe soon, I'll be a puppy mummy again.
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